michael (lovebotsrevenge) wrote,

the end of trying

im going to stop trying so hard. you know, trying to avoid every bad thing that might come along, trying to make people into who i feel they should be, trying to put on a persona for where i am. im going to stop trying to be good. its not that im afraid of failure, that's pretty much a permanent fixture in my life. but i think that trying to good, do the right thing, etc. is a way of putting on a persona. that's something that is ingrained into my braid from so long ago that i almost didnt recognize it as something that was an addition to my basic self. not that im going to try to be un-good. i am just going to be. i have spent many years daintily stepping over "problem areas", making excuses, even outright lying, just so i feel good about myself and avoid doing something that could be seen as bad by someone. but i didnt really feel good about myself, i felt like i was better than people. better than the ones who got caught up in destructive things, better than the brokenhearted, and most importantly: better than you. its a silent way of putting others down in order to bring yourself up. i only recently decided this. and im really just kind of tired of carrying all that baggage around. i cant sit and worry about disappointing people. for me, that only ends up as indecision and stagnation. for 28-ish years i have been trying pretty hard to live up to all these things and haven't done much for myself. however, it was all selfishly motivated. and it all just ends up as these ridiculously long posts about nothing at all. me taking myself too seriously! look at the title of this post, just awful. how gaudy. im trying to break the spell, loosen the grip, what have you, of the pointless things that go on. all the dumb things i am afraid of that will never happen, or that will happen but wont be nearly as bad as i assume. je vais bien.
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