michael (lovebotsrevenge) wrote,

a letter to myself

never put yourself above anything. never say to yourself "i will never kill a man, i would never do that. im not that kind of person." you will soon find out that you are indeed that kind of person, and that you have embodied things that you once thought you were too good to come into contact with. too good! boy, are you ever mistaken. not only are you not "too good", you are prone to do all these things. you were born to fall.

every good decision you have ever made was due to some sort of peer pressure or a miraculous intervention from the good Lord. from your mind, nothing good has ever come. you tried to kid yourself for years, thinking that not doing is the same as not being. but a car is still a car even if it never drives, and an eye is still an eye whether it sees the light of day or not. and just because you can hate the person you are, it doesnt change the fact that you are that person. and you know you can change what you do, but it doesnt alter the fact that those things are still in your heart waiting for a way out.

so, what should you do? fake it til you make it? that hardly works. you have already been faking it, while making it seems further and further off. you are sick of being good, i understand, but you don't want to be bad. can you just make mistakes and accept them as that? can't you accept that perfection is impossible, and not something you were meant to strive for? or maybe your idea of perfection is misinformed. maybe the picture of a perfect life is something from hell meant to make us all miserable and feeling like failures.

maybe you can't live up to your picture, maybe you cant live up to anyone's. feel this and remember that when you think someone is doing wrong, maybe you are trying to force your idea of perfection on them. you do that a lot. no one is as good as you, right? no one has an open mind like you, right? they like terrible things like nascar and american idol. you know these things dont matter, not like the things you like. you know, the things that are really important and creative and artistic. no one can control themselves like you can. everyone, i mean everyone, should do it like you do it. just remember how you feel right now the next time you feel that judging the guy in the hurley shirt is justifiable.
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I think we always disappoint ourselves. I think it's really easy to assume you are doing the right thing, because you know your motivation and limits in your head. Then something comes up and surprises you - something you never thought you were capable of, and even judged other people for doing the exact same thing. The reason you judged them was because you didn't know the situation, you didn't know their motivation or circumstances.
Now you're in that same place, and maybe it's easier to justify because you know all of the background information. Or maybe it's not easier to justify, and you just feel like a really terrible person.
Thing is, you are human. Also, you're right when you said never to say never. You don't know what you're capable of until you're put in that situation.
I don't think those situations are necessarily bad. I think you're lucky that you can see what's going on. I think it's much worse when you get through something and think "Why didn't I change this or that?" or "Why didn't I notice that this was happening before it was too late?" You have the option to make a different choice, if that's what you want to do. You aren't stuck.
you know
I've been having some of these very same thoughts recently
except you've put it into much better words than I could
I appreciate that about you
you know, among other things
well, thank you. i think that growing up religious makes people really critical of themselves on the inside and really critical of everyone else on the outside. im trying to loosen my death-grip on expectations of myself and others.