michael (lovebotsrevenge) wrote,

a letter to myself

never put yourself above anything. never say to yourself "i will never kill a man, i would never do that. im not that kind of person." you will soon find out that you are indeed that kind of person, and that you have embodied things that you once thought you were too good to come into contact with. too good! boy, are you ever mistaken. not only are you not "too good", you are prone to do all these things. you were born to fall.

every good decision you have ever made was due to some sort of peer pressure or a miraculous intervention from the good Lord. from your mind, nothing good has ever come. you tried to kid yourself for years, thinking that not doing is the same as not being. but a car is still a car even if it never drives, and an eye is still an eye whether it sees the light of day or not. and just because you can hate the person you are, it doesnt change the fact that you are that person. and you know you can change what you do, but it doesnt alter the fact that those things are still in your heart waiting for a way out.

so, what should you do? fake it til you make it? that hardly works. you have already been faking it, while making it seems further and further off. you are sick of being good, i understand, but you don't want to be bad. can you just make mistakes and accept them as that? can't you accept that perfection is impossible, and not something you were meant to strive for? or maybe your idea of perfection is misinformed. maybe the picture of a perfect life is something from hell meant to make us all miserable and feeling like failures.

maybe you can't live up to your picture, maybe you cant live up to anyone's. feel this and remember that when you think someone is doing wrong, maybe you are trying to force your idea of perfection on them. you do that a lot. no one is as good as you, right? no one has an open mind like you, right? they like terrible things like nascar and american idol. you know these things dont matter, not like the things you like. you know, the things that are really important and creative and artistic. no one can control themselves like you can. everyone, i mean everyone, should do it like you do it. just remember how you feel right now the next time you feel that judging the guy in the hurley shirt is justifiable.
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